My first year as a mother is coming to an end. It wasn’t easy. There were moments when I went crazy. It was beautiful, too. Last year, around this time, I gave birth to my fascinating girl. We were getting ready to go to a shopping centre to buy gifts for friends, but our girl wanted out! My water broke, and not being sure whether it was actually that, we headed to the hospital instead. Over discussing dinner the nurse broke the news, the baby was coming!
It wasn’t a particularly easy delivery. I had to have an emergency C-section, and that was probably the scariest experience up until then. First surgery, and a major one at that. The doctors delivered her, while also cutting out a cyst that had twisted my left ovary. I wasn’t so focussed on the baby anymore. At that point, the doctors were talking about a tumour. Being fully conscious I overheard them, which made it hard to focus on the major event. I was too worried to care when her father carried her over, so that I could welcome her into the world.
She had trouble getting air into her lungs at the beginning. They had to attach her to a breathing machine. I was tired anyways, so I slept for a few hours. In the morning, the nurse woke me to give me my pain meds and asked whether I wanted to see her. Of course, I wanted to! The nurse helped me getting up, and it wasn’t pleasant but bearable. I visited her, and she was so little and precious! It was then that my first motherly feelings developed, and it was overwhelming to see and touch her. By the time, she latched on to my breast and we gave nursing a first try I was completely smitten.
Since then I have spent every single day with my baby. This is rather unusual behaviour for me. Before her, I was independent and living with me, myself and I for 11 years. Of course, there are things I miss. And I go through phases, where I feel I am, “losing myself in helping a new person become someone.” To quote one of the Humans of New York. I even start missing her when she napped for too long. I love her happiness, her smile which lightens up her whole face, her curiosity, when she meets new people. Getting to know her, and at the same time encouraging her to become the human she’s supposed to be, is a blessing.
I haven’t quite mastered how to be a mother and be me, so my New Year’s resolution shall be that. Balance the colour spectrum within me. Be a mother, be myself, be a lover, be a friend, be a writer, be a dancer, be everything I want to be. Putting it first sometimes. I am blessed to be a mother, and I even enjoy the depressed minutes when I doubt what I’m doing. This is me. I grow by being desperate, stressed and scared. I grow by facing the challenges and facing my fears. Thank you for an amazing 2018!
I’m ready for 2019.
What’s your New Year’s resolution if you care to have any?